Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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