im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize