i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
