The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
