she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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