We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
