i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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