That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
