So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
