Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
