Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
