He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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