i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize