Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
