I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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