When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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