don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize