I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
