On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
