why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
