put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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