mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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