New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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