I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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