All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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