Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
