I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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