He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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