I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
