did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize