Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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