omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
