If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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