Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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