I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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