The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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