you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
