Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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