I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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