if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize