youre lurking in front of me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
