I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
How does one acquire holy water?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
