i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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