If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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