so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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