guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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