textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
