Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
