Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
