Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
