where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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