I was born with a shot glass in my hand
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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