Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
