what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He felt like a one man threesome
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
