My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
