So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This baby is an asshole
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize