Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
