you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize