Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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