Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
