You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
