she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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