Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
